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atheism humor

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#1 Monk Herman

Monk Herman

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Posted 12 September 2013 - 11:05 PM

I'm a little hesitant about posting this here. Seems to me we Orthodox don't have much appreciation for humor. I would like to see some comments, though, especially from anyone who's had some experience talking to atheists. It's for an atheist website. I've already posted an introduction there.


 

For humor forum, AtheistForums.org.

 

Subject: An Untitled Serious
Adventure Drama (Work in Progress. 2433 words.).

 

No wonder we're such good friends: we all love the same things: froggies, toadstools, Edith Piaf. And we all love a good adventure story. Here’s a piece of one. I hope you'll enjoy it. It's about youse guys! The casting of course is whimsical, since many of the cast are, at present, dead.

 

 

+

 

An
untitled serious adventure drama IN 3D

 

Starring,
with deep respect and profuse apologies: 


 

(casting in progress)



 

Those of the Queene’s Part:


 

Greta Garbo     Aliénne, Queene of the Atheists


 

Councilors to the Queene:


Moe Howard                 First Councilor

Larry Fine                     Second Councilor

Jerome Howard             Third Councilor

 

Others.


Her Flunkies:

 

Joe di Rita                     Pandy

Tor Johnson (?)             Mean Ol’ Ikey

 

(uncast:)

 

Hox

Pox

Eyeless  

Others.


Plus
hangers-honors, and an exodus of refugees with children. Including:
The
very frail Elder with the very thick glasses who falls over backwards when all
the electric lights in the Cathedral are turned on in quick succession.

 

A Mommy with a small child.

An opinionated low-rent Superman.

 

 

Those of the Theolgians’ Part:

 

Boris Karloff          as the Stranger

 

His Synodia:

 

(uncast:)

Father Chuy, a humble presvyteros (parish priest)

Eva, his presvytera, the Home-school Supervisor.

 

Their Children:

 

Stellios, their son the reader; also the family documentarian: his films show everyone in
church except the reader.

Prokopia, their daughter the Psaltis; also a Home-school teacher.

 

The Home-school: 

 

Lily Tomlin as Home-school Teacher Anastasia.

Phyllis Diller as Home-school Teacher Lydia.

Kids.

 

 

Those they encounter along the way:

 

o hyperAnthropos.com, opinionated Orthodox layman on the internet.

 

Bud Abbott           as Himself

Lou Costello         as Himself

 

Bela Lugosi           as Adam, Frankenstein’s Monster.

Lon Chaney jr       as Forrest J Ackerman by day, Dr Ackula
by night …

Bob Hope              as the wolfman.


With:


Cate Blanchett   as Cate Blanchette, Salesclerk at the hardware store.

 

And …


Marty Feldman   as Jermánus, Orthodox monk found in a rabbit hole.



 

Scene:

 

Festivities!

 

The year is 2155. The Queene of the Atheists is
holding court to celebrate the 200th anniversary of the destruction
of the Moscow Cathedral of Christ the Saviour and its replacement with a
department store for the Atheist Party’s wealthy inner elite.


Alienne, Queene of the Atheists is a tall lean large-boned Goth-style
amazon, her tattooed arms and legs bright with color, a bright red streak in
her hair matching the bright red in her black and red couture (deep yellow
trim).


Dozens of Councilors, Flunkies, Lackeys, and Pawns fill the
vaulted chamber. Heavy draperies, dark as martyrs’ blood, obscure the light of reason.
The Throne, set in a niche at the west end of the Great Hall, is on a platform
high & lifted up, to which the
Queene ascends by steps. She’s surrounded
by a guard of
Flunkeys. A blood-red
carpet runs from the east entrance, across the hall, & up the steps to the
Throne.

 

Above the Throne a large shield bears an Image that seems to arise from the brooding Queene’s innermost thoughts: a grim & sinister image: a Mushroom
Cloud in full florescence—the Dread Symbol of the Atheists! Above the Dread
Symbol is the legend
We Are the
Atheists and beneath it the words Nothing Matters.

 

The Throne & its Queene are surrounded by the Queene’s Flunkeys: Mean Ol’ Ikey, Pandy, and others. They’re all huge and
powerful—except fat, fastidious Pandy.


[more]


Queene (Rises and raises her fist. Her
voice reverberates throughout the Hall)
:
Hey there! Hie there! Hoe there!

All: Yaaaaaay!

Queene: Nothing Matters!

All: Nothing Matters!

Queene: Nothing Matters!

All: Nothing Matters!

Queene: Nothing Matters!

All: Nothing Matters! Yaaaaaay!

Queene: We are the
Atheists!

All: We are the Atheists! We are the Atheists! We are the Atheists!

 

(All join in like a flock of crows. When this dies down the Queene starts the whole thing over again.
When the crow sequence has completed, music and dancing. The Queene returns to
her throne.)

 

Councilor 2 : O Queene! Live until you die!

Queene: Acquire existence, pencil-neck.

Councilor 1: Nitwit! Step aside. I’ll show you
how it's done. (Grabs him by the hair and
pulls him aside. Approaches Queene
: O
Queene! Live forever!

Queene: Get out of here, runt.

Councilor 3: I really admired your last movie.

Queene: Get back, freak.

 

(Suddenly: The Stranger
with his band of Theologians, hurried after by harried lackeys in deep alarm, the Dread
Symbol displayed upon their breasts, strides forth and places himself squarely
before the throne.)

 

The Stranger (Cries out in a loud voice): Give place all ye! I address
myself to none but the QUEENE! (Turns to
the Queene)
Yo! O QUEENE. May Your Soul live Forever, nor may it never be
destroyed!

Queene (Stands abruptly, dashing her hash
pipe to the ground)
: Damn Nation! What means this intrusion upon
our solemn day of Joy & Gladness?

The Stranger: Maintain, O most Glorious Queene. We mean no harm. We are but a Humble Band of Travelling Theologians.

Queene: (Dryly:) Really … theologians? (Bellowing:)
How did these guys get in here?

 

(Alarm
among the Lackeys.)

 

Pandy: Off with their fingers?

Queene: Off with their toes!

 

(Several Flunkeys surround the Lackeys and escort them out.)

 

The Stranger: (Bowing deeply:) If it please your hollow Highness: allow your
Humble and most unworthy servant to introduce himself.

Queene: O-ooo kay … So speak, O Stranger.

The Stranger: I am, and am called, Herman—Monk of the Orthodox.

 

(Gasps all ’round. THE STRANGER allows himself a sweeping
magisterial glance at Councilors et. al.)


The Stranger: (In a calming voice:)

 

Be not disturbéd, neither be dismayed.

We come in Peace, Envói of all Mankind.

 

(Continues.)

 

Queene! Councilors! Flunkeys and
Pawns! Give ear!

 

Ancient prophecies do predict the
rise of atheism! The voices of Unreason, O Queene,—and of damnéd Ignorance!
would blind the Eyes, yea the very Hearts
of all our Kind. Let no Man be deceived: atheism is but a Meme upon the earth; a
consequence of our fall (turning
dramatically)
from the Knowledge of God.

Voices in the crowd: Insults! Infamy! Off with his
fingers! Off with his toes!! 

Queene: Silence!

 

(Eyes glaze over. Queene’s reverberations die down. Queene continues in an ominously
quiet tone.)

 

Queene (turning toward The Stranger with
crafty narrowed eyes):
Let the Man be heard …

The Stranger (Bowing deeply): Thank you, O most illustrated Queene. (Continuing:) As I was saying: Atheism is a but nasty old meme, a
Virus of the Mind, sucking the blood of the Intellect—a Vampyr of the Soul!

Queene: O! Will you please
give me a break!

 

(Second Councilor raises a sign that reads groan. Atheists all obediently groan.)

 

[more]

 

The Stranger: And yet, O Queene, in a certain
far-off Land, there exists (raising an
eyebrow)
… but shall I say … the
C–word?

Councilor 1 (Alarmed): What’s this … What is this … “C –word?”

Pandy: I know what he's gonna say, I know what he's gonna say!

 

(First Councilor is frantically trying to get the QUEENE’S attention, trying to wave her off.)

 

Queene (ignoring him): Ok. So what's … “the C–word?”

The Stranger: The Word, O Queene, is Cure.

Queene: Ha! Really? Ha ha! That’s
great—a cure! A “cure” for atheism!
(To the atheists, with a glint in her eye): Well I guess I haven’t heard that one before! (Laughs, gesturing toward Second Councilor.)

 

(Second Councilor raises a sign that reads “laugh.” The Atheists all obediently get
a good laugh out of this
.)

 

Queene:  And what is this
“Cure?” …

 

The Stranger: Good question, O Queene! But shall
I say … the E - word?

 

(Gasps. “Oh, no. Not again!” General hubbub.)

 

Queene: Silence I say!

The Stranger (Aside to audience, hands on hips): Cheese! These people!

Queene: (To The Stranger) Stranger, say on.

The Stranger: Yes, O QUEENE, and so I shall. (Looking round:) Let’s say the Word …

Eldest of the Councilors (With
his expiring breath)
:  No! Not … not the E – word! (Croaks over. General despair.)

The Stranger: Yes, my friends—Evidence!

Voice in the crowd: Nooooo!

Another voice: Not that!

Child (eyes wide): Mommie! He said a dirty word!

 

(Angry muttering from the crowd. Some ad-lib a few lame
wisecracks.)

 

Queene: Silence I say! … 
(Aside to audience) Cheese! These people! (To THE STRANGER)
Huh-geh … And?

The Stranger: Evidence, O Queene: Ever do ye atheists
describe your faith as “a Belief held in
the Absence of Evidence.”
But I say unto you: there is no “absence” of evidence. We the people are faced with an abundance of evidence. And thou, O
Queene, must seek it out. (We’ll help thee.) Yea: and in the process we will
find, in Her very Person, Dame Wisdom, the Great and Wondrous! Atheists must be
laboriously taught to Think! They must learn to Reason! This we must hold as a
Sacred Doobie!

 

(Spontaneous laughter.)

 

The Stranger (looking around): And what’s so funny? (Realizing:)
What did I say? I said Duty! I meant
Duty. Darn it, you know what I mean!

 

(Renewed laughter.)

 

The Stranger: (recovering his dignity:) A Sacred Duty, O Queene.

 

(As laughter trails off, a voice in
the crowd: That was good, that was good. Ha!)

 

Queene: All right. Settle down. Stranger, continue.

The Stranger: We must make a Long & Harrowing
Journey through Forbidden Lands, a
Journey beyond The Veil. A Journey … of the Mind! A journey not for the
weak-minded—nor yet for the faint-of-heart. A Quest
that none but Bravest of Souls may endure—a journey of Discoverie!

Fierce Tribes & Monsters will
seek to bar our path. The barbaric & witless Ad-hominems will attack us. We must face the horrible Snide-remark—and (turns briefly toward the crowd, a sardonic smirk on his face) the Lame-Wisecrack. We must pass through
dense forests of Unsupported Statements,
& Stinking Fens of Fallacious
Reasoning. Nitwits, losing heart, will deny the existence of their very
souls! But the prize, O Queene, is Wisdom! Knowledge! Understanding! …

Councilor 3 (confidentially to Queene): Dig it, Queenie! …

Queene: So why should we waste our time with all this “thinking,”
as you call it?
(Nods toward First Councilor.)

 

(First Councilor prods Second Councilor who wakes up and raises
the “laugh” sign. All obediently
laugh.)

 

The Stranger: Why? (slyly:) Shall I say … the T- word?

Voice: O God, no. Not another one. Please.

Another voice: Jesu Christu, not that.

Child: Mommy, is he going to say a dirty word?

The Stranger: Yes I say!—Truth!

 

(General Pan-demonium.)

 

[more]

 

The Stranger: And now, O Queene, it is thou that
must Decide. Dame Wisdom, honouréd of all, is to be won—yet only by hard
& troublesome toil shall we gain entrance to her marvelous Palace. Speak
then, O Queene, shall we make this wondrous journey? … or shall we poor Theologians be banishéd — & leave
the Atheists and their Queene to their comfortable delusion?

Councilor 1 (struggling to recover from the
shock)
: Your Most High Royalness! This
ain’t no good idea! The theists have it all over us. We don’t stand a chance!

 

(QUEENE waves him off, thinking.)

 

Councilor 2: Think of the Children, o
Self-important One! Their tender minds must be carefully warped lest reality
corrupt them!

 

(The Queene is thinking furiously, a thousand voices surrounding
her. Finally she can't take it anymore:)

 

Queene: Peace i say!

 

(Reverberations; then … silence. Finally:)

 

The Stranger (close two-shot): What sayest thou? Speak, O QUEENE!

Queene (shaking herself): Well! Put me on the spot!

The Stranger: Let all attend—and let the wishes
of the QUEENE be known!

 

(We hear the ticking of a clock along with the Jeopardy! music.)

 

Queene (Suddenly stands. Camera dollys in fast for a closeup): I
Myself will lead the way!

 

(Theologians all shout YAY! Atheists all look a little sick.)

 

Queene (pointing): I Want Mean Ol’ Ikey. Hox. Pox. Eyeless.
Pandy, you
come too.

 

[More. A gaggle of
Councilors surround the Queene with objections.]

 

Queene (looks at them all with obvious disgust, then turns to Pandy): What do you say, O Pandy?

Pandy: Cheese, Queenie! Ya got me! Might
be a good idea!

Queene: Mean Ol’ Ikey—what sayest
thou?

Mean Ol’ Ikey (growling): duuuuuh … I don’t keer for it ...

 

(Pretty much everything Mean Ol’
Ikey says is a variation on “I don’t like it.” But anyone who knows Mean Ol’
Ikey knows that this means
Raw Raw Raw! Let’s go!)

 

Queene: Then let’s go!!! (To The Stranger): O-ooooh-kay, Stranger. (Grimly) Let’s do this thing.

 

(Exeunt omnes.)

 

+

 

[Fragment. 1]

 

(As the Theologians lead the atheists out of their intellectual backwater, they pass neighbors mowing
their lawns &c who cheerily shout things like:)

 

Neighbor 1: Howdy, neighbor! The earth is flat!

Neighbor 2: Hay there, hie there, hoe there! Moon landing was a hoax!

 

[Fragment. 2]

 

(They’re about to wade into the
Stinking Fens of Fallacious Reasoning.)

 

Councilor 3: Wait a minute! I can’t go in there!

Councilor 1: O yeh? Why not?

Councilor 3: I’ll get doity!

Councilor 1: Why I oughta … 

 

(The Queene and The
Stranger exchange exasperated looks.)

 

Councilor 2: These are the Fens of Fallacious
Reasoning! Nobody comes out clean!

Queene (shaking her head): Let’s get going …

Councilor 1 (to Councilor 3): I’ll kill you later.

 

[Fragment. 3]

 

As they proceed into the middle of Now-here,
they discover a hardware store.

The Stranger: O, look: a hardware store. Let’s
stop in here for a minute. Just to look around.

 

(Inside the store:)

 

The Stranger (feigning nonchalance): Now, here’s a handy gadget!

Councilor 1: What is it?

The Stranger: It's is called a “baloney
detector.” They can be very useful.

Pandy: O boy! I want one!

Councilor 1: Get outta here! It’s too expensive.

Councilor 3: I don’t see a price on it. How much
is it?

The Stranger: Well, I don’t really know. We'll
have to ask the salesclerk. O young man! 
Could you help us for a moment?

 

(The “young man” turns—and turns out to be a woman.)

 

[more schtick with Cate Blanchette. Finally:]

 

Salesclerk: It's only $9.95.

Pandy: It ain’t that much. I’ll take two! (takes two and starts for the check-out
counter.)

The Stranger (quietly, almost to himself, as Pandy heads off): It may be more expensive than you think, friend Pandy.

Councilor 1: Now, what’s that supposed to mean?

The Stranger (turning dramatically): It could cost you your faith!

 

+

 

That’s all, folks! Now, wasn’t that fun?

 

Father Herman

 

Questions? Comments? Snide remarks?

 







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