Hello all, this is my first post on this intriguing forum (which I've spent many hours reading already). This is not one of those "I kinda wanna become a monk" posts, as I have very specific quieries and concerns. A short introduction:
I'm a 38 yr-old Hungarian male, and while I have a strong Calvinist past and even worked as a curator at my church, I'm the archetypal "superfluous man" in this culture. Couldn't hold a job, a relationship, friendships, an apartment, and was already an outsider in high school. While distressing, none of this depresses me actually, as I regard it all as a calling.
I was baptized in 2003. As of 2014, I'm still quite new to Eastern Orthodoxy. Yet for about 2 years, I feel the strongest draw to practice hesychasm in a skete setting; in turn I feel an aversion to most secular or even 'Calvinist' things now, including forming bonds with secular people. I'm becoming less and less worldly, and this is not something I can help -- but I won't go into my spiritual and emotional struggles at this time. I find it hard to discern between the psychological and spiritual content of this overwhelming feeling of being called; but it surely disrupts my day job (film business) and my family life at this point. Obviously I need to avoid prelest.
I've actually bought a cabin in the Eastern Alps (close to Salzburg) years ago and moved in here a while ago to be as close to nature and God as possible. My secular job allows me to conduct it through the net and 'snail mail'. So I live as a quasi-hermit in a forest cabin now -- yet I feel a sense of guilt and isolation, and a draw towards a skete setting instead.
I know this forum is frequented by numerous Orthodox monastics; please advise me. Should I deepen my current state and become a "full-blooded" Orthodox hermit, or seek out a skete somewhere in Central Europe? Is my love for nature and my aversion to major cenobitic communities prelest? I feel this is the dilemma of a lifetime.
In Christ, Andras