Solitude

[Benjamin Ekman]

Dear monachos forum,

I believe that for me to be saved I need to live a life of humility and holiness. Pray and live for for God and God alone. How can I live this life without becoming proud? I don't want to be motivated by pride in my search for a holy life.

I am quite aware that I am a great sinner but I am still tempted to think that atleast I am trying to do something about it etc.

And becuase I am a protestant I have been told all my life that witnessing and missions is very important. What is the Orthodox view on this.

How do theese two commands of Christ work together: Make disciples of all nations, take up your cross etc.

Many protestants see the desert fathers as fleeing from their responsibilities, to society and to evangelism etc.

I know that the Orthodox Church requires ascetism from all its members, fasts and vigils etc. But if the ideal is solitude and silence how does the life of the church expand?

I am NOT attacking the monastic life. I am struggling with ways of thinking that I have inherited.

In Christ,
Benjamin Ekman

[Owen Jones]

Dear Benjamin,

What you must do is associate yourself with humble people and follow what they do. It's not an intellectual problem.

[Moses Anthony]

Dear Benjamin,

In all reality, the Christian life does not exist in any particular enviroment -whether celibate or married- but in the presence of the risen Lord Jesus Christ. As you're coming to know as a catechumen, each of us are on a journey, traveling a road with crosses that we must bear alone. The Desert Fathers went into the desert alone, but as they lived before God the ascetics they believed God required of them, it's said "the desert became a city". Distilled down (as westerners are wont to do), and paraphrasing a movie title, "You live it, they will come."

Without regard to being either a 'cradle Orthodox', or a recent convert, each of us struggle with the system of thought we've inherited. How well we progress; is in direct proportion, to how much we bend our necks to be fitted with the yoke of Jesus Christ, who is meek and lowly of heart!

the unworthy servant

[Fr Averky]

Dear in Christ Benjamin,

When people have the idea that by fleeing the world and living in the desert the Fathers were shirking their responsibility es to help others come to salvation, they have no understanding of the Orthodoxy Christian life.

In a very interesting book on early desert monasticicm, the author Derwas Chitty aptly entitled it "The Desert A City." The monks who left the cities and lived lived lives of solitude, did so out of love for God and their neighbors. It is estimated that its apex, there were 10,000 monks living in the desert in solitude.
It is important for you to understand Benjamin that we Orthodox are taught that first and foremost we must work on our own salvation, and as we grow in the spiritual life, we will be able to feed Christ's sheep.

The great Russian Elder and beloved saint, St. Seraphim of Sarov said, "acquire the Holy Spirit within you and you will save thousands around you.: As you mention, we firnly believe that in order to follow Christ, we must take up ur cross and follow Him. Each one of us is given a cross to bear, and it usually is one we would happily do without: a disfiguring and painful birth defect, severe and prolonged illness, a nightmare of a marriage, relatives who hate us and turn others against us, children who disrespect us and cause us shame, bosses who block us from advancement, friends who betray us and so on in the trials, big and small which everyone faces in his daily life All of these burdens become light when we look at them with a spiritual eye and in a true Christian perspective.


Believing as I trust you you do, that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and True God, who who was crucified for our sins, died, rose from the dead, opening heaven and granting to mankind eternal life.


However, we do Orthodox not hold to the teaching that to simply confess that Jesus is our Lord and Saviour is sufficient to reach salvation. We say, "We have been saved, we are being saved, and we will be saved." To us, salvation does not come from "acceptance," but by living a Christian life, and working every day to love God, to love our neighbor, and to grow in spiritual grace and knowledge of ourselves.

Benjamin, we cannot get to know God if we do not know ourselves. How can we be missionaries, bring the Good News of the Gospel when we are mired in our own sinfulness and passions? The Orthodox Christians graciously and humbly accepts the trials sent to him by God, understanding, that just as a person, Christian or not, that we ourselves are the source of most of the problems in our lives. Relying on our own wisdom, we make mistake after mistake. Unfortunately, blinded by pride and stubborn in our self-will, we find it so hard to truly repent our evil and do good.

All of us Benjamin, you and me included, know that we are all guilty of numerous sins- sins of the flesh, lying, cheating, stealing, anger, judging others, talking too much, being intemperate in food and drink; love of money and power, the desire to direct the lives of others, and perhaps even darker thoughts like murderous or unnatural desires.

So Benjamin, we cannot declare ourselves to be "saved" when we know perfectly well that we have overcome few of our sins and bad habits and that we have submitted ourselves to the holy will of the Saviour.

I will tell you a story that in a way is a little funny, bu is really a very sad. From the time I was 22 to 30, I lived in San Franciso. On Market street, where the famous cable cars turn around to go back up the hill, there was a very tall old man who came every single day wearing a sandwhich board with a Scriptural quote in large letters. He solemnly handed out religious tracts, and offered to passersby the comforting words that they were going to hell. San Francisco is a rather small city, and people in time begin to recognize people they see around town.

One day, when the aging missionary took his post, as a very crowded cable car started its uphill journey, the old gentleman shouted out. "Beware, all you pleasure seekers are going to hell!" As the car moved, a voice shouted out to him. "Don't talk old man, I saw you coming out of that little porno flick just a few blocks from here!" The poor old man's face turned red and then, it looked like he had deflated, and he suddenly looked old, very old. From that day on, he was never seen again. He "preached the Word," but he did not live the Word, and in the end, the awful truth of his heart was revealed for many to see. God had not punished him, Benjamin, but had showed him mercy, lest he continued to live that lie. I have never forgoten him, and pray for him, for surely he is long dead. As we have seen in the media, many who were given the authority to preach the Word of God, shamefully ruined the lives of hundreds of innocent children. They had forgotten their responsibility before God.

You can only be in solitude if you are comfortable being who you are and can be alone with only with yourself. You can see how people cannot stand to be alone or in silence. In the average American home, the t.v. is always on, kids are listening to rock music, people need the rdion on when they are in the car, and large Churches have large budgets for musical programs, which in many ways is great entertainment

If you read the history of the monasteries through out the Orthodox world after the time of the deseert Fathers, you will see how monks still attempted to flee to the desert, be it in the woods, on high mountains, even at times in cities, that when their spiritual life was observed by peopole who might håve happened upon their dwelling place, they came to them,. begging them to pray for them to give them a word of comfort, to help them save themselves. Making the great sacrifice of giving up their precious solitude, the added to the weight of their crosses, responsibility for the souls of others. From their inner deep solitude, wherein the flame of the love of Christ burned always, they lived the Gospel to the best of their ability. Of course, not all monks were perfect, but they never stopped struggling to reach thei heavenly Goal. So you see, Benjamin, from our point of view, if you are still bogged down with all your problems, sins, bad habits intense love for particular people and moreover, desiring to be loved for your self, tell me, how can you "witness," how can you be a missionary?

Please do not be offended by my answer, but perhaps you can now better see that our ancient Orthodox Faith has been givn by Christ Himself to his Apostles and which has spread to all the world, and we maintain that faith, and do not rely upon our own interpretations and ideas. May God help you.
Humble yourself before God, knowing that His Divine Son, second Person of the Holy Trinity says to us, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Not by anything we can do, Benjamin, but in accordance with His will can we gain eternal life. And remember, not everyone who says, "Lord,Lord" will enter the kingdom of heaven.

In case you don't know it, I am a monk.

With much love in our Lord,

Fr. A.

[Xenia]

Father, bless!

I very much desire solitude, but it is hard to find solitude in my life. I am the wife and mother in a large family and I am also a high school teacher. Noise at home, noise at work, noise everywhere! And it isn't really "noise," it's the sound of my precious family at home and my beloved students at school and my own voice as I give my class lectures. (Well, some might consider the latter to be noise!) At night I go into my room where I have my icons and read and pray, but if I spend too much time alone I feel as though I am neglecting my family. I am a recent convert and my family is not Orthodox- they still attend the Protestant church that we all attended together for nearly 20 years.

If it were just a matter of noise, I think I could be alone in the midst of it. However, I have to think and participate. Do everything to the glory of the Lord! I tell myself. Sometimes I think if I just had 2 or 3 days alone, how happy I would be!

So my question is, is my desire for solitude selfish? God gave me my busy family and good job. How do I live the life of a monastic in my situation?

Thank you... I know this is a common question.

God bless you,
Xenia

[Fr Averky]

Dear Xenia,

First, how blessed you are to have St. Xenia of Petersburg for your heavenly patron if that is indeed the case. Or, is it St. Xenia of Rome?

I will answer you by starting with your last considertion. As a wife and a mother, it is not possible for you to live a "monastic" life at this time, for that is a different calling. Perhaps if your your husband has reposed and your children have grown up, you can think about being a nun. What I think you are asking me is how you can live an "ascetic" life in the world.

I would tell you that since you have not been Orthodox very long, it would be safer and more salvific if you were not to ask too much of yourself at the present time. Too many people, reading the "Way of the Pilgrim," want to say the Jesus Prayer all the time, sit and read the Philokalia and emulate the ascetic lives of monastic saints. To do this would be like sending an untrained, and out of shape person who had difficulty making even mild physical exertion to compete in the the Summer Olympics!

Ascetics are seasoned spiritual athletes, and they ave set a goal, and it is their life's work. I do not wish to discourage you, but am pointing out to you to take your time and settle into your new Orthodox lfe. It is not made much easier when you are the only member of your family who has embraced Orthodoxy, as the greater number of all converts can tell you. All of made us have made personal sacrifices, but we do not regret it. While growing in your faith, it is very important to have a peaceful home and family.

For all who live in the world, finding time to be "alone"*is most difficult. If you desire to do so, start by trying to be very much at peace when you start to say your prayrs. Clear your head of family and work concerns, put aside whatever you have been worrying about the most lately, and just concentrate of being alone with our Saviour, lifting up your heart and thoughts only to Him. After you have said the set prayers of the Church, in your heart, cry out to Him, asking Him to forgive your sins, and to give you the grace and strength to make it through the day which is to come or which has just finished. During the day in all with all its business and its many concerns, take a moment betwen classes, or during lunch, and utter a little prayer asking for peace of soul. Try to be even tempered despite the day's trials. My spiritual Father, hard pressed by so many labours and trials, once told me that at least four times a day, he has to just sit down and say, "Lord, if you don't help me, I am not going to make it!'

When I was 22, I went to visit my grandmother for the last time in her life.* My aunt, one of the sweetest, most patient women I have ever met, took me, her two small children and her 17 year old youngest sister and her girlfriend to Disneyland. It had been agreed that we would meet at exactly 4:00 so we could miss heavy traffic. We had parked very far from the entrance because there were so many people when we arrived. As the sun moved over the tarmck, it became unbearably hot. Four o'clock came and went, then five, then six. By this time, we were way out in an empty, roasting parking lot. With my usual impatience, I was besides myself, but at around four, my aunt saidl with such serenioty, "I guess the girls are really having a good time, huh?" and with that, Xenia, she crawled under her car and took a nap! Whe they finally showed up, my aunt smiled, and asked them if they had enjoyed themselves. I wish I could have only learned then...

As to spending time alone, it as become very common for even married people to expect to be able to have their "quiet time. " If there is a room that you can retreat to, work it out that perhaps when the day is done, you can spend an hour reading and praying. I would say, sometimes it is better for everyone in the family if they do not to have to be "involved" all of the time-everyone likes to have a little space and time to themselves. Being "family" does not mean that you have to be joined at the hip all of the time (Now, that would be quite a mess!).I understand this is difficult, given the abundance of after school activities which takes up so much time in average American families.

As time goes on, if you work at it, the peacefulnes which you desire can and will enter your heart. I have known some very special women, who in the midst of the noise of the t.v., the kids, and the animal, have been utterly serene and quiet, but it came with much prayerful activity. when your mind gets overloaded, take a breathe, and say the Jesus Prayer.

There is a wonderful woman by the name of Johanna, who s a membeer of Monachos,and I hope that she is looking, and will contact you, for she also is the only Orthodox member of her family and I am sure she could share much with you. Another wonderful Christian woman is Effie, who is in Greece-although "cradle Orthodox," she is possessed of much wisdom. Jurretta is most kind , as is Rebecca, and Loretta who is Byzantine Catholic is a lovely woman as well, so you can find some people you will find very supportive. Perhaps you can relate to Loretta what motivated you to embrace Holy Orthodoxy. If in my naming of the women, I might of left anyone out, it was not intentionally done, for those names came first to my mind.

I am rather sure that one of Fr. Ephraim's convents might not be too far from you, and if time would allow, it would be so good for you if you could go there, say during a long weekend. Fr. Ephraim's monastery are very beautiful and peaceful all his monastics are very sober. Our local American women love to go to the convent in PA, and always come home spiritually refreshed.

I do not know if you know this, but just as a little point of information, Xenia is not prounounced "Z," like Zensia, but is prounounced "Ksenia "both K ans S said together.

I hope that my poor words will hav e helped you a little. Forgive me, I can never seem to give a short answer. I always imagine groaning, when the members see my "epistles." Part of this is because all of my conversations are online, for days can go by, and I will speak to almost no one other than the young man who helps me in my gardens.

God bless you, you are in my prayers, and please pray for me.

In the Lord,

Fr. A.

[Moses Anthony]

Father Bless!
Dear Fr. A.,

For a long time; even as a Protestant, the solitude of the monastic calling has appealed to me as it has to Xenia and Benjamin.

I have printed your answer to each of them, to read and re-read, in the future.
May God's richest blessings be upon you.

the unworthy servant

[Xenia]

Father, thank you for your reply. I have printed it out for future reference when I become discouraged.

Yes, how did you know, I had just finished reading The Way of a Pilgrim. Yet you are correct- for me to attempt the Pilgrim's life would be like a toddler trying to walk the length of California. And, God already gave me a wonderful vocation, that of caring for my family.

I am 51 years old, and all of my life I have attended church. In my former church, Bible reading has almost reached the level of a sacrament. No matter what a person's troubles might be, the answer was: Go read your Bible some more. I read the Bible through over six times and found myself no closer to God. Yet I did have pride that I had become so knowledgeable about the Bible. I had attained to all that my former church had to offer, and found it hollow. So, Father, when I converted to Orthodoxy, I falsely assumed that I was already a good ways down the path. I had been a Christian of sorts for almost 50 years, so I thought I had a jump-start. It is gradually getting through my thick skull that I must start at the very beginning. No, I can't keep the fasts perfectly yet. No, I can't stand for hours saying my prayers. I am just a baby. After I got used to this idea, I am beginning to rejoice in it! And your response was like a blessing from God, encouraging me.

A few weeks ago I attended my parish's retreat up at the Monastery of the Theotokos of the Life-giving Spring. I was not able to participate very much because my dear patient non-Orthodox husband was with me. I did get the faintest taste of the monastic life, and it was sweet!

When I was first given the name "Xenia," (yes, of St. Petersburg) I did think it was pronouced Zeeenia, or even Zinnia, like the flower. But I soon realized it was the "Ks" sound. I attend a Russian church for vespers and am able to stand next to her icon during the service.

Again, thanks for you letter of advice and encouragement, and thanks for praying for me, as I will remember to pray for you, too.

Oh, one more thing. Mr. Just who was here for a while probably also views Bible-reading as a sort of Protestant sacrament. I don't mean that it IS a sacrament, but since they don't have any, Bible-reading has become this for them. Where we would stand before our icons and pray the prayers of the church, Evangelicals will settle in a favorite spot and read the Bible. Of course, I am in favor of Bible-reading! But now I look to the Church for explanations, not to my own easily-deceived mind. Anyway, I was so recently where Mr. Just was that I understand him. He is used to demolishing all arguments with a few scripture verses and got frustrated when it didn't work here.

Love in Christ,
Xenia

[Daniel Jeandet]

Solitude, i wanted it too, until it was forced upon me. Then I hated it and tried to escape it. Then I accepted it and used it. Now I love it and crave it.

Sometimes, it is scary, very dangerous and you have to learn discernment about when to break it. and sometimes, it is so sweet, that I dont want anyone to come around to my house, and I dont even want to go to sleep because it interupts my reality (as far as I am granted it).

Solitude is very good, and those of you who want more of it, I understand your desire. I think even just ten or twenty minutes a day of Jesus Prayer, simple and humble, in as silent a place as you can find, will help you find the real solitude, inner quiet, for the times when you are with children or others.

As for me, I have a gift of solitude, but I fear how I will answer for my use of it on the Day of Judgement. I feel I have squandered it mostly, on useless relaxation or self-centered contemplations of my own fantasy realm.

Ive worked out that, a Christian can have peace, true abiding peace, only if he never relaxes. And a worldy person, who avoids God, can relax, and he always craves this relaxation, but he can never have true peace.

[Fr Averky]

Dear Moses and Xenia,

It happens that living in the world, there are those who wish they were in the monastery, while there are those in the monastery who wish they could have gotten married.

If you can live a good Christian life the best you can, and if you truly wish to end your days as a monastic, ask God to bless your desire, and keep that holy longing in your mind, but do not allow it to distract you from your presnt course in daily life as a married person and parent.

Many years ago, I met the abbess of a convent in this country. She had been born in Greece, and came to this country soon after her marriage to her kind and gentle husband. As the years pased by and their children had grown up and her husband had retired, the woman's mind and heart turned more and more towards holy monasticism. She prayed mightily that God would grant her what she had longed to do for many years, but she was afraid to bring it up to her husband. Finally, she worked up the courage, and as they were sitting quietly together one evening, she spoke of what was in herheart. To her amazement and relief, her husband told her that he too had had the same wish, but he too was afraid to mention it to her!

As I remember it, this is what she said;

"When we had talked of our mutual desire, we invited our children to the house and told them our decision. Glory be to God, they were filled with joy, and said that they thought it just wonderful. After selling our home and dividing all of our funds among pur children, except for a third which we gave to the poor. We flew back to Greece and went to the little village in which we had been born, and to the same; old church in we had been crowned so very many years ago. Having contacted the priest beforehand, he was present when we arrived at the church. As he quietly stood to the side quietly singing a hymn to the Most Pure Theotokos, the Abbess of all monastics, we walked up to the iconastasion together. My husband venerated the icon of our Saviour, and I that of the Theotokos. Walking down, we looked at each other with all the love and tenderness we had shared for so many years, each recalling in his heart memories of such a blessed union. Then, hugging each other, and holding each other for the last time, we took off our wedding rings, and gave them to the priest, asking him to give them as an offering to the icon of the Pure Virgin, which already held many gifts hanging from a gold chain across it's front. We never saw each other again - putting our hands to the plow, we never looked back. My beloved husband died eight years ago after having become a monk, loved and respected by all who knew him, and I know he is watching over me, and is praying for me. Now and again, when I am in despair from trying to be a good mother to my sisters, I will feel a gentle warmth, and I know he has come to comfort me in my struggles."

I thought you might find this little story a "consolation."

Love in Christ,

Fr. A.

[Irene]

Dear Monachos members,

I find that many times when I have a particular question on my mind I can do a search on Monachos and come up with excellent and inspiring answers.

I highly recommend reading old posts, such as the ones on this thread. You can also choose a particular person (Such as Father Raphael, Father David Moser, our moderator Mr Steenberg and the reposed Father Averky) and read through their old posts for some very interesting stories.

Over the years I have been warned many times about taking on more than I am able to handle as a convert to Orthodoxy. It's been a long journey for me, a lot of pitfalls and a lot of lessons still to learn. I found that there are some good pointers in this thread on living as an Orthodox Convert.

My 20th anniversary as an Orthodox Christian was earlier this year on the feast day of Great Martyr Irene and I have been trying hard to remember what it was like for me in the early days of Orthodoxy so that I can understand what new converts are going through right now.

I love the messages from Father Averky on this thread, read through them if you have a chance: I have tried to edit down a couple of posts from Father Averky but he often wrote such long ones and I really don't want to cut any thing out.

I pray that your hearts are renewed and inspired to continue to struggle.

In Christ
irene

This is from a post to Xenia written 07/10/2003


I would tell you that since you have not been Orthodox very long, it would be safer and more salvific if you were not to ask too much of yourself at the present time. Too many people, .... want to ...... emulate the ascetic lives of monastic saints. To do this would be like sending an untrained, and out of shape person who had difficulty making even mild physical exertion to compete in the the Summer Olympics!

Ascetics are seasoned spiritual athletes, and they have set a goal, and it is their life's work. I do not wish to discourage you, but am pointing out to you to take your time and settle into your new Orthodox life. It is not made much easier when you are the only member of your family who has embraced Orthodoxy, as the greater number of all converts can tell you. All of ... us have made personal sacrifices, but we do not regret it. While growing in your faith, it is very important to have a peaceful home and family.

...........


and this is from a post to Benjamin on the same day...



It is important for you to understand ... that we Orthodox are taught that first and foremost we must work on our own salvation, and as we grow in the spiritual life, we will be able to feed Christ's sheep.

The great Russian Elder and beloved saint, St. Seraphim of Sarov said, "acquire the Holy Spirit within you and you will save thousands around you.: As you mention, we firnly believe that in order to follow Christ, we must take up ur cross and follow Him. Each one of us is given a cross to bear, and it usually is one we would happily do without: ...............All of these burdens become light when we look at them with a spiritual eye and in a true Christian perspective.

Believing as I trust you you do, that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and True God, who who was crucified for our sins, died, rose from the dead, opening heaven and granting to mankind eternal life.

However, we do Orthodox not hold to the teaching that to simply confess that Jesus is our Lord and Saviour is sufficient to reach salvation. We say, "We have been saved, we are being saved, and we will be saved." To us, salvation does not come from "acceptance," but by living a Christian life, and working every day to love God, to love our neighbor, and to grow in spiritual grace and knowledge of ourselves.

.... we cannot get to know God if we do not know ourselves. How can we be missionaries, bring the Good News of the Gospel when we are mired in our own sinfulness and passions? The Orthodox Christians graciously and humbly accepts the trials sent to him by God, understanding, that just as a person, Christian or not, that we ourselves are the source of most of the problems in our lives. Relying on our own wisdom, we make mistake after mistake. Unfortunately, blinded by pride and stubborn in our self-will, we find it so hard to truly repent our evil and do good.

All of us ... know that we are all guilty of numerous sins... we cannot declare ourselves to be "saved" when we know perfectly well that we have overcome few of our sins and bad habits and that we have submitted ourselves to the holy will of the Saviour.

........ our ancient Orthodox Faith has been given by Christ Himself to his Apostles and which has spread to all the world, and we maintain that faith, and do not rely upon our own interpretations and ideas. May God help you.
Humble yourself before God, knowing that His Divine Son, second Person of the Holy Trinity says to us, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Not by anything we can do, Benjamin, but in accordance with His will can we gain eternal life. And remember, not everyone who says, "Lord,Lord" will enter the kingdom of heaven.

In case you don't know it, I am a monk.

With much love in our Lord,

Fr. A.

[Father David Moser]

Thank you Irene for that trip down memory lane!

Fr Averky was a very good and long time friend of mine and a very unique man - being both a monastic and yet quite wise in the ways of living in the world (as he often had need to do since he was used as a temporary priest in parishes that were between regular rectors). I definitely second your recommendation to go back and read his posts - he had a way of expressing himself that was both strict and compassionate at the same time. May his memory be eternal. Also in his memory please remember to pray for the soul of his departed mother (also Orthodox) Lucia.

Fr David Moser