Why I don't have a spiritual father

[James Aubuchon]

It became apparent to me last night while reading the Spiritual Psalter of St. Ephraim, why God has perhaps not given me a spiritual father.

As I was reading, I found myself becoming annoyed with St. Ephraim when he was crying for mercy, that he was being too lenient, and when he was chastising himself, that he was being too strict. I began to realize that I was being critical of the saint instead of being obedient and listening to what he was saying.

It then became clear to me. This is exactly the sort of thing that I would do if I had a spiritual father. If he was lenient with me, I would think that he was lazy, and question whether he was truly "spiritual" enough for me. If he was strict, I would think that he was too harsh and "lacked grace". I realized that if I had a spiritual father, I would constantly be projecting my own sinfulness on to him, and be unable to be obedient to anything that he was saying to me, no matter how strict or lenient it was.

Basically, I am a self-willed, overly-critical, prideful fool who thinks he knows, but does not yet know as he ought to know.

I do not deserve a spiritual father.

My prayer is that God would make me worthy of a spiritual father, so that I can obey him, and be freed from pride and self-will.

Jim

[Fr Raphael Vereshack]

Basically, I am a self-willed, overly-critical, prideful fool who thinks he knows, but does not yet know as he ought to know.

I do not deserve a spiritual father.

My prayer is that God would make me worthy of a spiritual father, so that I can obey him, and be freed from pride and self-will.


I think this is a proper attitude in regards to having a spiritual father. But it should not govern our being open to having a spiritual father. Otherwise we are a bit like the man who buried his talent in the ground and then cried out to God how he was unworthy of Him.

To find a spiritual father though is something which those like St Ignatius Brianchaninov and others speak about. They always counsel that despite our own unworthiness we all need a spiritual father. But also discernment must be used in moving into this relationship. For a spiritual father is not just someone who hears your confession or even who gives you advice- rather the spiritual father is he into whose hands you put your whole life. Ideally to a spiritual father we should open all aspects of our life in faith & trust.

So you can see that this is an awesome and even exceptional relationship not possible with just any priest or monk or other person of the Church (there have been spiritual monastics and mothers also- some of whom have not even been monastic although ususally they had a quite exceptional ascetic life) but rather with that unique person God leads you to.

In the meantime if we do not have a spiritual father we should cultivate as faithful and obedient a life within the Church as possible paying particular attention to the ways in which we often try to get around this call to obedience. When we have this attitude to our life in the Church we will see that the relationship we have with our parish priest even if he is not exactly a spiritual father in the way described above, becomes an opportunity for real spiritual growth.

In Christ- Fr Raphael

[James Aubuchon]

I agree with you Fr. Raphael. I should have emphasized that I think this is "perhaps" why I don't "yet" have a spiritual father. That I need one, especially given my circumstances, is obvious. I have no desire to "reject" a spiritual father. I just can't seem to find one. But I am going to continue to pray and not give up. If I cannot be obedient to a spiritual father, I can be obedient to the idea that I need one. If I never find one, perhaps God will take my desire as fulfillment of obedience. Perhaps if I die to myself by constantly asking, seeking, and knocking, God will free me from self-will anyway. Perhaps if I accept that I will never have one, it will suffice.

Like Father Seraphim said to me, I can look for obedience and self-denial in the small things of life. I can seek after prayer, and if I find that, perhaps God will never have me have a spiritual father. I don't know. What I do know is that if I am not prepared for a truly godly and christlike spiritual father, I will no doubt end up rejecting him and going my own way anyway.

It's like preparing for marriage perhaps. You have to be ready for the type of self-denial that marriage requires. If you're not, the marriage will never last. You will end up projecting all of your faults on to your spouse, and not realize the sinful part that you yourself play in problems in the relationship. Before I was able to get married, God put me through 2 years of intense inner healing, counseling, and repentance to work out a number of problems before leading me to my wife. He did the same thing for her. Being prepared in this way, we have been able to have a successful if imperfect marriage for the last 15 years.

In Christ,

Jim

[Sophia]

Hello Jim,

I'd like to share with you a little about how my Spiritual Father was made clear to me.

Over the last few years, I have made every effort to spend as much time as I could with any and every priest and monk that I could. I wasn't looking for a Spiritual Father; I just knew that I was compelled to simply being in their presence. I ended up having some over to my home for dinner, I helped others with some projects they were doing, provided rides to the airport or other places and even helped one move. To my surprise, I found that I had a lot more obedience in me than I had ever imagined. I had told them all that I would be happy to help them in any way that I could and gave them all my cell phone number. Then they started asking me. I thought that I wouldn't have time or that other things would come up, but it turned out that my schedule seemed to clear before they even asked me. Being with these holy men and seeing their attitude of service helped me to become more of a servant myself.

Anyway... this went on for over a year and as I started to think that I really needed to "pick" a Spiritual Father. Within a month, we were at a Church gathering of some kind, (I don't even remember what it was), and Father Ambrose introduced me to a group of people, as his Spiritual daughter. I remember feeling very shocked and stunned, but also more loved than I ever had before.

When I heard Father Ambrose introduce me as "his", I more fully understood what it means to belong to God. I realized that day that I have been chosen, and called by God to be His. Our priests are living icons of Christ among us and such a blessing to us all.

I know how important the guidance and discipline that a Spiritual Father provides is, but please don't forget the love and closeness to God that he also provides. I've never felt that Father Ambrose is too strict or to lax, because I see that all he does is done in love.

Servant of Christ,
Sophia

[Isaak Scott Cairns]

Jim, I loved your post, or maybe I hated it. One of those, probably both.
I loved your candor, and your self-awareness, and I hated how it hurt. In any case, it proved a very fine mirror in which I could see my own smudged image, sheepishly grinning.

Good journey, my friend! Here's hoping (praying) we make a little progress on the way, sooner than later.


Isaak

[Linda]

Thank you all so much for this thread.

It is very timely for me.