How do you deal with the behaviours of others?

[M. Markewich]

Hello everyone. I'm about to enter my sophomore year in college. I go to a famous party school, SUNY Albany, and since I don't want to sin I've had some problems with my roommates. Usually, in the past, I just tried to ignore it, but I've been wondering if this reaction is wrong. What do you do when your roommates sneak alcohol into the room? What do you do when your roommates play music out loud that was illegally downloaded? What do you do when your roommate wants to kick you out to do... you know what with the opposite sex? How much can I let go and when do I make a stand, without judging them?

[Philip Mathew]

I registered for this forum specifically because of this question. I went to SUNY Albany, so I know what you're talking about. I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of advice, though.

Roommates sneaking alcohol into the room:

I suppose you can issue a complaint and try to get the situation rectified that way, but then your friends will face some trouble, and that'll mean you may face some trouble (from them). In my experience, people who did sneak alcohol into the rooms were good about not getting caught, so if you don't say anything, and they're not complete idiots, probably nothing will happen to you or them.

Illegal downloads:

Most schools have developed ways of preventing this, but students find ways out of it. I would probably ignore this unless the music being played was too loud or something. I wouldn't make a big stink out of it simply because it's illegally downloaded.

Roommates and their "needs":

I didn't have to deal with this until my last semester because my roommates prior to that were always single guys who spent too much time on their computers instead of going out to meet people, and while I had a girlfriend, we were pretty good about behaving ourselves. But I did have a roommate who found someone while we were sharing a room, and that lead to me walking in on some things I would've rather not walked in on. This is something you need to talk to him about, but in terms of fair usage of the room. Agree that neither of you will do such things with anyone else in that room. Or else agree that he should do such things when you're not around, and so you guys should know each other's schedules.

In all of this, you may be surprised to realize that I'm basically an "ignore it" kind of person. It's not that I have no problems with sneaking in alcohol or immorality of any sort. But in my experience, most people did not share my religious/moral worldview, and so it is hard to try and work out solutions to these problems from that perspective. They'll be happy to let you be the way you want to be, as long as you let them be the way they want to be, and don't get in each other's way. So my advice to you is to get to know them, find commonalities, be friends, love them in spite of their faults, pray for them, and most importantly, witness to your Christian faith and way of life. If they don't accept it themselves, they'll at least respect you and it. I found that when I did this, eventually they would ask questions, and then you can address issues from that perspective, and they'll be more willing to hear it; they may not accept it, but they'll listen. Right now, no matter how you say it, they'll probably think you're judging them.

I noticed you said you're entering your sophomore year. Have you asked for specific room/suitemates? Or are you just depending on the luck of the draw? Try meeting likeminded people and see if you can't arrange to live with them, or at least spend a bunch of time with them. When I was in Albany, I met the ROCOR students who chose Albany because of its proximity to Jordanville, and that was fun. They weren't my only friends (I had a colourful mix while I was there), but they were good, and offered a nice alternative. In fact, when I saw you were from Albany, I presumed you were one of them. Are you? Do you attend a church while there? Look for a nice parish, I can recommend a couple. Churches are good ways of meeting people, even when they are all 50+ years older than you. You'd be surprised.

Let me know what your situation is like, by email or private message if you want. We can exchange stories. If you don't want to, that's fine. But I've been where you are, so I'd be happy to help you out however I can.

God bless,

Phil

[M. Markewich]

This is great. I'll take advantage of PMing you right away. ;)