Hatred

[Audrey]

I was wondering if anyone has advice about how to get rid of hatred and/or unforgiveness to someone who has hurt someone very badly for many years and at an age when one is too vulnerable to defend one's self. When someone else's actions have had such a huge effect on another, then the wound goes deep and it seems hard to forgive. I think it's good to get in touch with one's feelings and acknowledge them instead of push them away, but when the feelings that are there are rage and hatred it's kind of scary. How does one battle hatred? Is hatred necessarily demonic? Is love really a choice when feelings of hatred are so strong?

Thanks

[Andreas Moran]

Dear Audrey,

We are to try to give thanks for all things. Remember the last words of St John Chrysostom in his humiliating exile. This seems incredibly hard when we have suffered greatly. One thing I was once told was: if things in your life had been any different, you would not have become Orthodox. Becoming Orthodox is the greatest gift, and if pain in life was what brought you to the Church, that is something for which to give thanks. The pain is, somehow, the piece if grit which creates the pearl. Of course, you can't just wake up one morning and say, fine, I forgive and give thanks. It can take years, but reconciling ourselves to people and events in our past is part of reconciling ourselves with God. One thing which can help is to consider whether people who hurt us really meant to or whether they themselves were damaged in some way, and the hurt they caused us was their reaction to their own difficulty or a consequence of their own damaged selves. St Silouan says that he doesn't want to hear about the person who will not pray for his enemies. Who are our enemies? Those we think hurt us. We pray for them even if they are no longer alive; it is part of the reconciliation process. We shall not know peace until we go through this process. The goal of peace is what makes the effort worthwhile.

In Christ,

Andreas.

[Fr Seraphim (Black)]

Dear Audrey,

I suspect that your question will generate many, many responses.

Sadly, this is one demon that all of us are very familiar with, and it is very much akin to a camp fire in the woods outside one's tent. Only this one is in the tent of our heart. The more wood put on the fire, the stronger and hotter it becomes.

In the spiritual life this demonic force follows directly after the sometimes lengthy fight or warfare with demonic thoughts of lust. Not that one simply 'conquers' lust, and then the demon of anger moves into an empty heart.

Hatred, anger or unforgiveness towards another, spiritually speaking is never justified, no matter the unfairness of the occasion that has lead to the spark of the flame, nor the duration of the passion.

St. John Climacus, in his extremely important work, 'The Ladder of Divine Ascent' lists one by one the passions that of necessity attack us.

The current school of thinking vis a vis being 'in touch with one's feelings' is not, in my opinion Orthodox, nor does it lead to healing. It is not beneficial to be in touch with anger, and definitely is harmful to the soul to express it.

There is not one person on the face of this planet who is unfamiliar with this enemy of our salvation.

The solution is prayer.

To follow the words of our Saviour and to 'turn the other cheek'.

To pray for our enemies.

To love those who despise us, and wrongfully hurt us.


I could write an extremely lengthy post on this, but time does not permit me at the moment. But I will return to this topic you have brought up with many beneficial words from the writings from the Saints.

Just last week, a New Martyr of the Communist yoke of Romania reposed in the Lord. His name was Father Gheorge Calciu. He was a married priest, and was repeatedly imprisoned under ground for a total of 20 years by the Communists.

Finally, he was able with his wife and family to leave Communist Romania. This week, the Burial Service, for this wonderful, loving Priest and Confessor of Orthodoxy will be held in the States and then his body will be flown to Romania, where his mortal remains will be put to rest.

I lived in Romania for just over four years and had occasion to meet several persons who were imprisoned in these cruel underground prisons, where one never saw the light of day, and one was tortured daily, and the list goes on.

Yet in their writings, or when you speak to them they never express anger, hatred or any ill-will towards the prison guards or the 'system' that treated them like rags.

I lived with a current living martyr, who himself was imprisoned for 17 years under the ground, in these specially designed clay chambers where you spent 24 hours a day with three other inmates, one of whom was especially chosen because he was chronically ill. And yet this Priest monk never expresses anger, hatred or ill will. In fact every year he returns to the prison and celebrates the Divine Liturgy there. His monastery is dedicated to the New Martyrs of Romania.

Pray, pray for love, pray for your enemies. Follow the loving words of our Lord and Saviour.

This is the only way to heal your heart.

May our Lord and His Most Pure Mother comfort you.

[Fr Raphael Vereshack]

Dear Audrey,

We are to try to give thanks for all things. Remember the last words of St John Chrysostom in his humiliating exile. This seems incredibly hard when we have suffered greatly. One thing I was once told was: if things in your life had been any different, you would not have become Orthodox. Becoming Orthodox is the greatest gift, and if pain in life was what brought you to the Church, that is something for which to give thanks. The pain is, somehow, the piece if grit which creates the pearl. Of course, you can't just wake up one morning and say, fine, I forgive and give thanks. It can take years, but reconciling ourselves to people and events in our past is part of reconciling ourselves with God. One thing which can help is to consider whether people who hurt us really meant to or whether they themselves were damaged in some way, and the hurt they caused us was their reaction to their own difficulty or a consequence of their own damaged selves. St Silouan says that he doesn't want to hear about the person who will not pray for his enemies. Who are our enemies? Those we think hurt us. We pray for them even if they are no longer alive; it is part of the reconciliation process. We shall not know peace until we go through this process. The goal of peace is what makes the effort worthwhile.

In Christ,

Andreas.



Andreas is correct that forgiveness must be part of an ongoing process and not something which we aim to totally achieve in one shot.

First we must struggle against the terrible thoughts of anger and bitterness. This is actually very difficult because it could very well be that we have been deeply hurt by someone else. Along with this however comes the passionate power of such thoughts & feelings and this we must continually fight against, especially when it comes to how these thoughts try to drive us towards certain kinds of destructive actions. Actions both against others and ourselves. We must fight such things because of how destructive they are to ourselves and others. We must first struggle to get out of this space.

We do have to be smart however especially concerning situations which would inevitably cause us to fall back into a destructive cycle of pain and destructiveness. Some people we must not allow ourselves (or our children or those we are responsible for) to be in the company of. This doesn't mean we give into hate about such people. No- it just means we are being smart and preventing the recurrence of what could only be harmful. In any case even if from a safe distance we are still called on to forgive.

Forgiveness actually means different things at different stages. For now it could mean fighting thoughts of rage and revenge. Perhaps at a later stage it could mean turning away from the habit we all have of trying to sort everything out, & of learning what it means to put things into the hands of God. A lot of pain will go away as we learn this.

But no matter what degree of forgiveness we have managed to achieve through Christ, forgiveness will always open out wider to something else beyond this. This is so because ultimately forgiveness is sharing in the unique kind of love which Christ offers the world for its healing. The kind of love He came to heal the world through.

In Christ- Fr Raphael

[Fr Seraphim (Black)]

Dear Audrey,

When I came back to Monachos just now after placing a post regarding Hatred, early this morning, the "A Word From The Fathers" was the following:

'To die to one's neighbour is this. To bear your own faults and not to pay attention to anyone else wondering whether they are good or bad...Do not think anything bad in your heart towards anyone, do not scorn the man who does evil, do not put confidence in him who does wrong to his neighbour, do not rejoice with him who injures his neighbour. That is what dying to one's neighbour means.' - Abba Moses

I wanted to quote from Saint Silouan the Athonite (+1938) who wrote extensively on this passion. He is not alone in this regard. I can barely think of a contemporary Saint or the Saints from former generations who have not written about this.

'Though I am a great sinner, I write of the mercy of God, which my soul came to know on earth through the Holy Spirit.

'The soul cannot know peace unless she prays for her enemies. The soul that has learned of God's grace to pray, feels love and compassion for every created thing, and in particular for mankind, for whom the Lord suffered on the Cross, and His soul was heavy for every one of us.

'The Lord taught me to love my enemies. Without the grace of God we cannot love our enemies. Only the Holy Spirit teaches love, and then even devils arouse our pity because they have fallen from good, and lost humility in God.

'I beseech you, put this to the test. When a man affronts you or brings dishonour on your head, or takes what is yours, or persecutes the Church, pray to the Lord, saying: "O Lord, we are all Thy creatures. Have pity on Thy servants, and turn their hearts to repentance," and you will be aware of grace in your soul. To begin with, constrain your heart to love enemies, and the Lord, seeing your good will, will help you in all things, and experience itself will show you the way. But the man who thinks with malice of his enemies has not God's love within him, and does not know God.

'If you will pray for your enemies, peace will come to you; but when you can love your enemies - know that a great measure of the grace of God dwells in you, though I do not say perfect grace as yet, but sufficient for salvation. Whereas, if you revile your enemies, it means there is an evil spirit living in you and bringing evil thoughts into your heart, for, in the words of the Lord, 'Out of the heart proceed evil thoughts' (Matthew xv:19; Mark vii:21) or good thoughts.

'The good man thinks to himselfin this wise: every one who has strayed from the truth brings destruction on himself and is therefore to be pitied. But of course the man who has not learned love from the Holy Spirit will not pray for his enemies. The man who has learned love from the Holy Spirit sorrows all his life over those who are not saved, and sheds abundant tears for the people, and the grace of God gives him strength to love his enemies.

'If you cannot love, then at least do not revile or curse your enemies, and things will already be better; but if a man curse and abuse his enemies, it is plain that an evil spirit lives in him, and if he does not repent, when he dies he will go to the place where evil spirits dwell. May the Lord preserve every soul from such adversity!

'Understand me. It is so simple. People who do not know God, or who go against Him, are to be pitied; the heart sorrows for them and the eye weeps. Both paradise and torment are clearly visible to us: we know this through the Holy Spirit. And did not the Lord Himself say, "The kingdom of God is within you'? (Luke xvii:21) Thus eternal life has its beginnings here in this life; and here it is that we sow the seeds of eternal torment.

'Where there is pride there cannot be grace, and if we lose grace we also lose both love of God and assurance in prayer. The soul is then tormented by evil thoughts and does not understand that she must humble herself and love her enemies, for there is no other way to please God.

'The Lord gave us the commandment, "Love your enemies." (Matthew v:44) But how are we to love them that do us evil? Or how can we love those who persecute the Holy Church?

'When the Lord was on His way to Jerusalem and the Samaritans did not receive Him, his disciples John and James were ready to call down fire from heaven to consume them; but the Lord in His mercy said, "I am not come to destroy but to save." (cf. Luke ix:54-56) Thus our one thought must be that all should be saved. The soul sorrows for her enemies and prays for them because they have strayed from the truth and their faces are set towards hell. That is love for our enemies. When Judas bethought him to betray the Lord, the Lord was stirred to pity and showed him what he was doing. Thus must we, too, be gentle with those who err and stray, and we shall be saved by God's mercy.

'...And we should remember too, that the man who loves God loves his brother also, as St. John the Divine said; (cf. 1 John iv:21) and when anyone offends us, we must pray for him as for ourselves, and this will then become a habit. We ourselves are infirm and weak, but the Lord is our help, for He loves us greatly.

'The greater the love, the greater the sufferings of the soul.

'The fuller the love, the fuller the knowledge of God.

'The more ardent the love, the more fervent the prayer.

'The more perfect the love, the holier the life.

'On Love' Chapter 9

'Saint Silouan the Athonite', Archimandrite Sophrony, pp, 365, 376-380

[Irene]

Dear Audrey,

There are so many understandable reasons to feel hate and anger in this world, so many cruel injustices, so much suffering. We as Christians know that we must forgive but for those who have been treated cruelly, and/or have loved ones who have suffered greatly because of another, it will be a life long battle, just as you feel that you have some semblance of peace and have learnt to forgive, the evil one will try and rekindle the spark of anger. It is difficult when many things can remain in our dreams tormenting us for decades.

The posts on this thread are beautiful and meaningful and I just wanted to add my little bit, as an ordinary struggler in the faith, in the hope that it may be of some help.

My Priest told me when you (I) have trouble with feelings of anger and hatred towards an individual to pray, (using prayer beads if you have some), the Jesus Prayer, substituting their name into prayer... "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on (name), a sinner." I can not remember if he suggested a number or an amount of time to pray this, only that I was to keep it up until I felt peace and then to repeat this any time these feelings where stirred up in me.

When you go to confession and the Priest asks "have you forgiven everyone" it can be difficult, you may be at a point where you feel that you have forgiven but get confused because you can not bear to hear the persons name spoken or to see them, in this case you must talk it over with your Priest because just as it is not up to us to judge others it is not up to us to judge ourselves. Your Priest will help you, give you tools and understanding to fight this terrible thing. We all know about traumatic stress syndrome these days, a person who has terrible memories from the past can have them brought to the fore because of a word, name, a noise, a song etc., Forgiveness of a person(s) doesn't mean that the memory of the event(s) will not be stressful.

A few years ago I found a picture of an Icon called sometimes Mother of God of Seven Swords or Seven Arrows or Smoothing of Evil Hearts on reading about this icon, one of things mentioned was that praying before this icon helped calm hatred in our hearts. I had a picture of this icon on my profile for a couple of years and I found there was also a copy of the icon at my Church. I feel praying before this Icon is a good help, but then praying to the Mother of God altogether helps - if anyone understands pain she certainly does.

A link to a small picture of the Mother of God of Seven Arrows is here (http://www.oca.org/FStheotokos.asp?SID=4&Month=August)

Ask for the prayers of others to help you in your struggle too.

In Christ
irene

[Mary]

What a timely post! I was just thinking of posting a message today, asking for advice on how to get started on getting rid of resentments and bitterness and anger in my heart!

I didn't realize how deep my resentments were till a few days ago, when I got excessively angry about an incident. I felt my rage flare up and had to leave the room because I was sure I'd explode. Later, I wondered if it was that incident alone that had caused my anger to flare up to such a great degree, and realized that it wasn't. I had something simmering underneath and when something happened that I thought was wrong, all of my anger hurled itself out and set on fire the incident, the person and ... even myself, I suppose. And any innocent ones caught in between as well.

I was glad that I was able to walk out without saying a word. But, what if I'm somewhere where I can't walk out? I do need to get rid of my resentments. But where do I start? Sometimes, I don't want to get rid of all my negative feelings because I don't want things to change. I don't want to be friends with someone who I feel has messed up my life. I don't think it's worth the trouble. It takes too much work to re-build a broken relationship and do I really want to have anything to do with this person anyway?

I withhold forgiveness because I want them to feel how much I"ve been hurt. But I know, I'm only hurting myself and delaying the healing to my own heart. Still, I find it hard to let go and forgive.

And today, despair found it's way into my heart. I'm feeling like everything about my life is completely meaningless. What good is a person who has nothing to offer? I have nothing to give, even to my own children.
When I'm overwhelmed, I can't think a whole lot. Where's a good place to start? What is one small thing I can work at, that will help me out of my dark hole and start loosening this grip that resentment, anger and hatred and bitterness has on me?

I'm going to have to re-read all the helpful replies, for it's going to take a while for me to soak it all up. So, if I don't reply, it isnt' because I've vanished. I'm around, reading. Thank you.

In Christ,
mary

[Irene]

I withhold forgiveness because I want them to feel how much I"ve been hurt. But I know, I'm only hurting myself and delaying the healing to my own heart. Still, I find it hard to let go and forgive.

How right you are Mary! We really are only hurting ourselves.



And today, despair found it's way into my heart. I'm feeling like everything about my life is completely meaningless. What good is a person who has nothing to offer? I have nothing to give, even to my own children.

Oh I have so been there, "My life is meaningless" etc., many times over the years. It's a battle not to listen to the thoughts that torment us.



When I'm overwhelmed, I can't think a whole lot. Where's a good place to start? What is one small thing I can work at, that will help me out of my dark hole and start loosening this grip that resentment, anger and hatred and bitterness has on me?


Where to start?

*Print, if possible, and read and reread inspirational posts and articles, prayers and psalms, until we can bring these to mind in times of need.
*Know that you are not alone.
*Offer friendship and encouragement to others.
*Pray, cry
*Learn not to procrastinate about things that increase your stress.
*Ask for help.
*Know that you are God's precious child and loved dearly.

In Christ
irene

Ps I am going to ask my children to print out a few things to keep for myself :)

[Trudy]

I withhold forgiveness because I want them to feel how much I"ve been hurt. But I know, I'm only hurting myself and delaying the healing to my own heart. Still, I find it hard to let go and forgive.

Dearest Mary,

If I may, please allow me to share what my priest told me two weeks ago when I told him of the hatred I harbor in my heart for my son's paternal grandparents (one is reposed) and aunts who have not seen him in many, many years. My son is the son of their deceased child and brother.

He told me that vengance belongs to God and I MUST pray everyday for God to bless them. Every. Day. Lord have mercy on [fill in their name].

I will not lie to you Mary. It is the hardest prayer I utter daily, often through gritted teeth. I end with an "amen" and a groan. Perhaps some day God will change my heart. I hope He does because I know the hatred harms my eternal soul.

I also know my hatred is the second emotion I feel. The first is the deep hurt and ache in my heart for my son. I remember his words as a small boy, age 8 when he hadn't seen his grandpop in many years. "Doesn't Grandpop love me anymore? He never comes to see me." The seed took root that day. My son is now 26. The tap root is deep. I'm praying.

So yes, I pray "Lord have mercy on and bless..." "Amen." Groan "And forgive me the hatred in my heart dear Lord."

May God have mercy on us. May He love us and forgive us inspite of our hurt and hate.

Love in Christ,
Athanasia

[Sunny]

Dear Mary,
Here is something I do that really helps me. Now I'm not always successful and sometimes I don't think to do it until my thoughts have become so agitated that I'm unable to remember to do it. Having said that...
When I have a troubling thought or someone says something hurtful or upsetting, I mentally take a step back and take a breath and speak to those thoughts and tell them to stop. Sometimes bad thoughts for me are like streaming video and I have to choose to turn them off. Then I turn in my heart to the Lord, and think about His love and tenderness towards me, and it calms me. Once I am calm I'm able to make the right choice-which for me is to in my heart say a prayer for that person and for myself, and to surrender my heart to God. I acknowledge then that He has allowed whatever has happened or what has been said, and I receive it and trust He will turn the event for good in my life.
I then feel peace. This has been a lifelong learning process for me, but from that place of calm and rest I can receive from the Lord His peace and strength.
Because I have tremors, calming myself is the first step for me.
May we all know God's peace and love.
Sunny

[Andreas Moran]

Dear Audrey,

Bless you for starting this thread - it has brought into the light something which is clearly moving us all in our own ways, and it shows how widespread and hard is this problem. The pain is hardest to bear when it has been caused by those from whom we would most expect love.

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ - thank you all for your posts. I'm sure there will be more!

In CHrist,

Andreas.

[Audrey]

Hey All-

Thanks for all of your posts; i feel greatly helped and encouraged. Since I'm a relatively recent convert to Orthodoxy, it is only since I began attending an Orthodox church that I heard so much emphasis on loving enemies. It really is a worldview change. It is just nice to hear that it is not acceptable to hate; it helps me keep my thoughts in check.

Seraphim:
Your statement about the current school of thinking regarding "being in touch with one's feelings" was very helpful to hear. I have been taught and told that a lot: to be in touch with my anger. To an extent I think there is truth in this; for how can I surrender anger if I am not admitting to myself that it is there? I think it is helpful for people to be aware of their anger; I think a lot of bitterness festers because people tell themselves they are not angry when they are, and this denial can go on for years or even a lifetime. However, once one is aware of their anger, I agree that it is not helpful to stay in touch with that anger or feed it.

I have totally done that before and it leads to hell. In fact there have been times when I have totally tried to just feel and experience my anger and it got worse and worse until I was imagining the people I hated being tortured. I finally felt so miserable that I knew I had to get rid of this hatred. Wanting others to suffer (which is what characterizes the hatred I experienced) is a dead end. Why would I want others to suffer torment, when I hate to suffer torment? I want to be delivered from my own hell so badly; why in the world would I want another to experience hell? what good would that accomplish?

Thanks, Irene, for your advice about praying the Jesus prayer for those I struggle to forgive, as well as the link to that icon; i'm very interested in praying with it.

Thanks again to all of you for your encouragement and sharing your experiences.

[Jeff Johnson]

St. Nikolai of Zhica wrote a moving prayer for one's enemies. I have since lost it and would be grateful if anyone could provide a link or the text.

[Owen Jones]

A few observations or conclusions:

God loves us just as we are. He also wants us to change.

Chronic anger and bitterness -- this should not be a life-long battle. Too many cases of them disappearing in an instant for us to cling to this view. The trick is to stop battling them, which only makes it worse. Stop fighting and arguing with everyone and everything. Stop waging a battle against your demons. Surrender.

There is no doubt ample reference in Scripture and in the Fathers, the desert Fathers, John Cassian, et al, about the spiritual exercises. But all too often these seem to us to be theoretical and distant. We should not wait for a theory of something, to understand or grasp a theory of something, before we act. The spiritual life is not a theory of anything. It has to be lived.

Go to someone you trust and tell him (her) everything. Preferably a priest, or perhaps a priest/monastic that has a reputation for hearing confessions. And do not hold back. Tell him how much you hate and why. If that is getting in touch with your feelings, well, John of the Ladder would very much approve! We willfully cling to our sins because it gives us a feeling of entitlement. We have been wronged! Therefore, I am entitled to feel different, even superior. We feel we have earned our rage and feelings of revenge and are entitled to them. There is always a note of superiority in someone who has been terribly wronged. This must be recognized and rejected. Of course, all we need do is look at Christ, who was rejected, humiliated, tortured, spat upon, for no good reason. And what was his response? This is the essence of our faith. For the first time in human history, humiliation no longer is an excuse for a tit for tat response. All of this is contained in the prophetic literature, but it took Christ to really bring it home to mankind. So what are we doing here (as Orthodox believers) if we are unwilling to put our faith and belief into practice. Too hard? Well, that is because we are trying to function on our own willpower. Surrender your will to God and all is possible.

[Father David Moser]

Prayer of St Nikolai


Take No Revenge

The Father looks down from heaven and sees me all covered with wounds
from the injustice of men, and says: “Take no revenge.”

On whom should I take revenge, O Lord? On part of a flock on its way to
slaughter?

Does a doctor take revenge on his patients for cursing him on their
death beds?

Or whom should I take revenge? On the snow for melting, or on the grass
for withering? Does a grave digger take revenge on those going down into
the grave?

On whom shall I take revenge? On simpletons, for thinking that they can
do evil to someone else in the world besides themselves? Does a teacher
take revenge on illiterate children for not knowing how to read?

Eternity is my witness that all who are quick to take revenge are slow
to read and comprehend its mysteries.

Time is my witness that all who have taken revenge have accumulated
poison in themselves and have, with this poison, blotted themselves out
of the Book of Life.

In what can you avengers boast before your adversaries, except by being
able to repeat their evil? Are you not thereby saying: “We are no better
than you?” God is my witness that both you and your adversaries are
equally reckless and equally incapable of good.

I have seen a cherry tree stripped of its bark and set on fire by
children, yet it gave ripe fruit to those same children.

And I have seen cows, which men tormented with heavy burdens, patiently
give milk to those same men.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I asked: Why is nature more
compassionate to men than man is to his fellow man?

Nature is my witness, O you avengers, that only he is more powerful than
those who do him evil, who is powerless to copy their evil deeds.

There is no end to vengeance, and the descendants continue the work of
their fathers and then go hence, leaving it unfinished.

Evil hastens along a wide road, and from each new duel it gains strength
and territory, and increases its retinue.

A wise man gets off the road and leaves evil to hurry on.

A barking dog is more quickly silenced by a piece of bread than by many
hurled stones.

He who taught men: “An eye for an eye,” also taught them how they would
all be left blind.

On whom shall I take revenge, O my heavenly Father? On part of a flock
on its way to slaughter?

Ah, how wretched are all evildoers and all who take revenge! Truly, they
are like a flock of sheep on the way to slaughter that, unaware of where
they are heading, butt horns with each other and wreak a slaughter
before the slaughter.

I do not seek vengeance, my Father; I do not seek vengeance, but rather
that Thou grant me a sea of tears, so that I can bewail the wretchedness
of those who are on their way to slaughter, not knowing where they are
going.

[Jeff Johnson]

That was very profound and beautiful.