How to become a servant

[Mary]

I hope this is the right place to ask this question.

In Ethiopia, everyone had servants. The lady of the house trained the servants to do the chores according to the way she wanted them done. But, any good servant needed basic skills, because the Mistress doens't have time to teach the basics. There were good servants and bad servants. Most of the good ones were those who had a good work ethic, who were willing to learn, obeyed right away, remembered what they were taught and didnt' say "This is the way I do it at my home..."

But, for some reason, we never made friends with them. They never sat and ate at the same table as we did. They always served us first and then ate after we were all done. Sometimes - if there was company - they didn't get to eat till very late. But they never seemed to expect anything different. They didn't expect to be thanked, and they didn't expect to be invited to eat with us. In fact, they would shriek and run away if we asked them to eat with us. They were more comfortable hidden away in the kitchen, eating with other servants, than with us.

I noticed a dissatisfied attitude in me. And I narrowed it down to desiring appreciation and recognition. I was feeling that a little bit of gratitude would make it easier for me to do all the work in this house, that my mom's servants used to do while I was growing up. That's when I started thinking about the servants. They had a lot more work than I do. They couldn't stop and post notes online when they got tired of cleaning. They were strong women, they never seemed to wear out. How is it that all that work didn't bother them, and why didn't they wear out when I, instead of helping as I could, made more work for them?

I feel like they have something that I need. The attitude of a servant. So, where do I start? How do I develop such an attitude? I wonder sometimes, if it would be easier for me to work if I had a Mistress bossing me around. I am a lousy Mistress. I have no respect for myself, and I just can't make me obey myself!

I hope I'll get some good ideas from those of you who have more experience with this. Thank you.

Mary.

[Herman Blaydoe]

This is, indeed, a most excellent question. I, too, look forward to responses from those wiser than I.

Your servant,
Herman

[Fr Seraphim (Black)]

Dear Mary,

If at all possible, spend some time in a convent. Herein, you will learn not just what you have explained above, but the mystery of Holy Obedience, which it is clear these women had, perhaps unkownly, since this grace allows unlimited energy.

[Mary]

Dear Mary,

If at all possible, spend some time in a convent. Herein, you will learn not just what you have explained above, but the mystery of Holy Obedience, which it is clear these women had, perhaps unkownly, since this grace allows unlimited energy.

Dear Fr Seraphim,

If I could, I would go to a convent right away and never look back! But I am well known for running away from my responsibilities, and quitting when the fun turns into work. So, I know that part of my desire to run away to a monastery right now, is because I am overwhelmed with my present responsibilities.

I have two kids, ages 8 and 5. My husband has a weird job that gives him very little time off. We did visit a monastery last summer. We were there for a week. I loved it. It was like a different world. But a week is not long enough to truly learn obedience. We were still guests at that point and we looked for our own work to do. I couldn't do much, because someone was needed to keep the kids out of trouble.

Since there's little time I can spend at monasteries, unhindered, I need other solutions. Is there no way to learn obedience at home? It seems to me that it would be easier for me to teach my children obedience, if I myself knew how to obey first. But I'm so lousy at making myself do the things I know I need to do, so I feel quite hypocritical when I tell my kids they can't do something fun till they've spent a few minutes putting their toys away first. I feel like I'm bullying them into doing something that I myself have a lot of trouble doing.

And, I've noticed another thing. When I specifically pray about my idleness, I become even more idle! Why, when I ask for help, does my temptation increase at the same time? Makes me feel sort of trapped. Is there some way I can ask for help in secret? =)

Mary.

[Father David Moser]

Since there's little time I can spend at monasteries, unhindered, I need other solutions. Is there no way to learn obedience at home? It seems to me that it would be easier for me to teach my children obedience, if I myself knew how to obey first.

Mary,

You already have an obedience which has been given to you by God to fulfill. That obedience is to care for your husband and children. Everything you do at home to that end, do not only out of love, but also out of obedience.

By example, Archbishop Anthony of San Francisco (of blessed memory) was a greatschemamonk when he was first elected as a bishop. He did not want to be a hierarch, being completely immersed in the monastic life. The Synod researched the canon law and other requirements and although it is forbidden for a bishop to take the great schema it is still possible to raise a schemamonk to the office of hierarch. He bore his episcopal duties and role first and foremost as a monastic obedience. He always considered himself a monk first and a bishop second. OTOH he was one of the most beloved hierarchs in that diocese (note that this is the diocese of St John of SF). He fulfilled his "obedience" of being bishop with such great love and humility that he captured the hearts of his clergy and his people.

Take your position as "wife and mother" as an obedience from God. Fulfill your role with love and humility. Submit yourself to your husband's direction (as St Paul instructs) and strive to deny your own will in favor of the needs of your husband and children. This is how you will learn obedience in the world.

Fr David Moser

[Andreas Moran]

Dear All,

The following anecdote may be relevant. Fr Zacharias told me this. He was teaching the Jesus Prayer to a young nun, and Fr Sophrony said to him, 'you're stupid! What are you doing?' Asking what he meant, Fr Sophrony replied, 'such prayer is not for her.' 'So how will she be saved', asked Fr Z? 'By humbly doing her work', Fr Sophrony replied.

In Christ,

Andreas.

[Mary]

Mary,

You already have an obedience which has been given to you by God to fulfill. That obedience is to care for your husband and children. Everything you do at home to that end, do not only out of love, but also out of obedience.

Take your position as "wife and mother" as an obedience from God. Fulfill your role with love and humility. Submit yourself to your husband's direction (as St Paul instructs) and strive to deny your own will in favor of the needs of your husband and children. This is how you will learn obedience in the world.

Fr David Moser

Dear Fr David,

I am not trying to run away to a monastery =). I know it is God's will for me to be a wife and a mother because, if it weren't, I would've become Orthodox before I got married! As it turned out, I had no interest in orthodoxy and didn't know that monasticism was a valid vocation till about a year ago.

And, I also know what is required of me, what my responsibilities are. What I needed to know is, how to work on my attitude. I've noticed that when my attitude is right, it's so much easier to do what needs to be done. I don't know how to control my attitude, so that it will be easy to work ALL the time.

But - I've been thinking about my problem, and I think I know why I have trouble fighting my idleness - it's because I'm spending too much time thinking about it. Instead of talking, I just need to do it. My mind, seems to have the power to talk me out of working, if I wait too long after making a decision!

Thank you for your replies.

Mary.

PS - just noticed something about 'husband's direction' there. What if there is no direction from the husband? (which is how it is in my case...)

[Father David Moser]

Oh, and I was also going to suggest to you the life of St Juliana of Lazarevo. Here is an example of a wife and mother who wanted to go to a convent but out of obedience to the desires of her husband and denying herself to accomodate the wishes of her (then grown) children, she remained in her home and lived there the life of a monastic.

Fr David Moser

[Rebecca Gabl]

That was one of the first lives of saints that I ever read. The description of how the saint said the Jesus Prayer all the time made a very strong impression on me.

[Owen Jones]

Perhaps instead of fighting your idleness, God has given what you now see as a sin so that you can turn it into a virtue. What particular virtue remains to be seen, but with God's help anything is possible. Never try to fight a sin head on...they always win.